Sir Kevin Grapplewraithe is the senior official in the Department. We are pleased to bring you this interview with the Department's Media Co-ordinator, Tania Hyde.
TH "Sir Kevin, can I start by asking you a little about the Department, and how it came into being?"
KG "Of course. In many ways we are a spin off from the amazingly successful Office for the Deputy Prime Minister. You will recall that under John Prescott it was a hothouse for ideas which were quite wonderfully silly. Well, when it all closed down, we thought that we needed to take the very best of that Office, and concentrate the best practice which we had developed over the preceding few years in one place. We also widened our remit to include aspects of Government, and so the Department was born."
TH "And who do you report to?"
KG "The Department reports directly to the Prime Minister. We feed our ideas into his work at the highest level. And he and his colleagues look to us for inspiration, particularly reactive inspiration. You won't have missed the insignia on our crest: a knee bent, filled with pent up energy to be released in the form of a jerk."
TH "Have you drawn staff from other areas of Government?"
KG "I think I can say that we have managed to recruit a first class team. We have managed to secure a few key staff from the Ministry of Defence who had been involved in arms procurement contracts: they are currently working on ways of expanding our defence capacity so that our armed forces can deal with insurgencies in Surrey and Bedfordshire, which are seen as weak areas. The two new aircraft carries which will be commissioned are partly down to their work. Almost the entire Home Information Pack thinktank came over, which has helped us with our
mental disabilities quota. And we have trawled the Treasury for the very best they have. And we have other key staff, from the DTI, the DOE and the DCSF. "
TH "What has been your greatest triumph so far, Sir Kevin?"
KG "I was wondering when you would ask. Surely it is obvious. The Northern Rock Nationalisation, of course. At a stroke we have successfully invested billions of pounds of taxpayer's funds in a very silly project. The opportunity was too good to miss. Now, the Government has its own mortgage provider who can of course finance other Government initiatives, such as the aircraft carriers. By upsetting the shareholders, the message that improvident investment is to be discouraged is underlined."
TH "But surely this has put taxpayer's funds at risk?"
KG "Yes, that is surely the point. There's no fun without risk. Besides, we are also taking steps to reduce the quantity of taxpayer's funds, which will surely reduce the risks."
TH "I don't quite follow you."
KG "The proposal to defer stamp duty was ours of course. A brilliant master stroke. Hundreds of thousands of people will receive a bill for several thousand pounds a few months after they have purchased their homes. Many won't be able to pay, and this will reduce taxpayer's funds. You might think that idea came from one of our Treasury experts, but no: a former assistant adviser to Ruth Kelly worked all this out. A genius."
TH "Some say that silly ideas are past it. How true is that?"
KG "It's codswallop of course. Silly ideas have played a part in our lives for ever. We even have one of the children of the staff working on the 1950s groundnut scheme working for us to carry forward this proud heritage. I believe her father also advised Eden during the Suez Crisis. Silly is what I call a cultural constant."
TH "What are you working on at the moment?"
KG "I can't give you all the details: Official Secrets Act and all that, but I can say it's something to do with cheese."
TH "Many thanks, Sir Keith. I hope we will able to interview you again some time."
