Prime Ministerial Musical Chairs and Election Roundabout

Mr David Cameron called us up a few days ago, as he sometimes does, and asked whether we could give some thought to what should happen if a Prime Minister stepped down, or died, whilst in office. Was it fair, he said, that his successor should just carry on without calling an election?

One of our best staff members was detailed to think about this. Elections are so much fun that we can't do without them. And he came up with the idea that a new election would have to be held within six months. This is not a new idea, but one which comes with a proud heritage. It used to be the case that if the monarch died, elections had to be held. The last time this happened was when King William IV died in 1837. And what was good for King William, the nation's fattest ever ruler, must be OK for us now.

Now it seems to us that Mr Cameron considers that the Prime Minister is the new King, or Queen. It is such an important role, particularly if he happens to win, that any change would need new elections for some reason.

Some people in the department wondered about this. They said that surely it was up to Parliament to decide when to call elections, and if such a rule existed, it would mean that we might have a Prime Minister who hung on in office even when terribly ill, just to avoid an election. Or even one who when dead was wheeled into the Commons to answer questions via a ventriloquist.

But most of us felt that the idea was excellent - we briefed Mr Cameron immediately - and he was so delighted that he made a speech about it.

Another victory for our hard-working team.

Volcanic Reaction

You will not be surprised that the Department has been working night and day to find an answer to the crisis caused by Icelandic volcano Eyjafjallajökull erupting suddenly and preventing half a million British citizens returning to their rightful abode.

The reason for this is nothing to do with the fact that most of them are not needed anyway, but that aircraft are unable to fly at a sufficient altitude to avoid the clouds of volcanic ash spewed out by the said volcano.

Well, we have an answer.

Send out ships

At our suggestion, what is left of the Royal Navy is steaming to the aid of our citizens in such far away places as France and Spain. They are being brought back, whether they want it or not, layered below decks, and scourged where appropriate with the cat.

The three ships sent can each manage 600 evacuees, and this means that only around 800 journeys will be needed, so in around three years, the job will be done.

We are terribly proud to have been entrusted with the management of this project. We know that anxiously awaiting wives, children and parents will be waiting for their loved ones. Some will even care about them.

We will bring them back.

We're getting married in the morning....

The Department was asked by the parliamentary opposition to come up with something which would promote the institution of marriage in this land of ours as apparently loads of people just can't be bothered with it.

We asked around and apparently the huge cost of weddings puts a lot of people off.

We were informed that the average cost of a wedding was around £15,000. So why not give married couples an incentive that will pay for it? At £150 a year, by the time that 100 years had passed, the wedding would be wholly subsidised by the taxpayer.

And although that seems quite a long while, no-one would accuse us of short-termism.

We were delighted to hear that our thinking has been adopted by the Conservative Party. There will be an additional tax allowance to help married couples pay for their weddings just as we suggested.

This will be paid for by a levy on banks who will then presumably pass this on to borrowers, including those who borrow to finance their weddings. It's a neat circular solution which once again demonstrates our huge value as a thinktank.

Out of the Red Box thinking

We are delighted to say that some of our ideas have been taken up this year by the Chancellor and incorporated into what will sadly probably be his last Budget speech. We have been working again on the difficult question of Stamp Duty Land Tax (vulgarly known as Stamp Duty) and we've come up with a winner.

As you will know now from the reports of the Budget, as from tomorrow, you won't pay any Stamp Duty if you pay £250,000 or less and are a "first-time buyer". That's defined as someone who:

• is buying his or her first home (which must be used as such), and if they are both buying both of them must be buying their first home;
• and cannot have owned a property anywhere in the world.

That's great news of course. A few people have commented, cruelly in our view, that there is no way of telling whether someone is a first-time buyer or not.

We have an answer to this irritating cavil. We propose that people who are not first-time buyers should also be exempted from Stamp Duty, and then there will be no incentive for them to pretend that they are first-time buyers. Clever, eh?